The Meaning of Marriage
The Meaning of Trust – Session #2
What I wish to share with you for this session is a topic that I have never read anything about a whole lot. But it’s something that Anne and I have discovered through the years of marriage counseling. And it may be an area where I might step on a few toes. And that is the area of trust in a marriage. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This is a foundational verse in the Bible and is quoted four times in the New Testament, therefore five times overall. Not that God has to say something five times for us to believe it, for God only has to say something once, but you get the point. The emphasis of course in this passage is the leaving and cleaving. The leaving of one family unit and being joined to another family unit, and that joining together means that we have now made a trust with someone. And in this new relationship, there are things we need to learn as married couples with each other, as married couples with parents, and as married couples with children. In other words, not only how do I apply this passage in my own relationship, but how do I apply it towards the rest of my family.
Another principle which needs to be addressed in this verse is the fact that the two people getting married have now become one flesh, which implies the disappearance of any kind of individualism or compartmentalism in your relationship in the sense that things cannot be done privately or selfishly. In other words, as when you were single, many of your decisions could be made without consulting anyone. They may not even be wrong decisions; it is just that you made them alone. Now this is especially challenging for those who were on their own for a time, away from home, prior to being married, and then find themselves married to someone who they are now accountable. Now for those of us that went directly from home with Mom and Dad and then married, this may not have been as challenging, as there is a strong responsibility to parents when you are still at home. In other words, you are still living under their rules. But once you become married, there immediately comes the responsibility of making choices together, where to live, what to buy, where to go on holidays, what to do with your free time, what ministry to be part of, how many kids to have, what to do at Christmas time. So those decisions that at one time were made by one, now are made by two. The word we need to use here is consideration. In other words, in your decisions you are now considering someone else in a way that you may not have had to consider in the past.
Moving up to Blind River was an extremely hard decision for Anne and me. And even harder because I knew Anne would go if I thought we should. So, there was a lot of weight on that decision. Anne and I do this with our money, as we don’t buy anything, unless the other knows about it. I am not much of a coffee drinker, only at work. So, I hardly ever go to McDonalds or Tims for anything, but if I happen to be out somewhere and want to get an ice cap or pop, I always tell Anne when I get home, “Hey Oakie, guess what I bought today!” Now this is extreme I know, you don’t need to do this, but here is the point, my money is Anne’s money, and Anne’s money is my money, and therefore, there is always the need to remember that when we buy something. For this is part of the trust that we should have in a marriage.
It is not uncommon for counselors to direct couples to have separate bank accounts, and I understand the wisdom in this from a secular point of view. But on the other hand, everything I know biblically fights against this, as it sort of expects a separation and untrust. I think that if I am willing to give myself physically to someone—in other words, i.e. give my body to someone—trust them with my body, yet not trust them with my money. This is where human thinking and biblical truth is way out of whack, and it is a little bit telling of where we place a greater priority. That we would have a physical relationship with someone but not trust them with my possessions or not trust them to marry them is sort of an odd thinking. Bottom line, independence causes division in a marriage. And I have given you a fun example, but seriously, independence can cause some serious issues in a marriage.
When I use to sell kitchens, sometimes I would see a customer a month or so later who I had given a quote to, and they had not been in to order their kitchen. So, I will approach them and say, “Hey! How come you didn’t order your kitchen?” And sometimes a wife would say, oh, my husband bought a new truck instead. And that would be great if they decided on this together, but it also could mean trouble if one or the other just force their decision on the other. I used to smile selling kitchens as it was not always easy to know the thinking of both spouses in that decision process. Our first go-to would think that it would be the wife most interested, but it was not always the case. Certainly, there were times when the wife was the one spearheading the process, while the husband stood back and was less interested. But it was not always the case, as sometimes the husband was either the one driving the purchase or even if it was the wife that wanted the new cabinets, it was the husband that was in the background saying, why don’t you add this and why not go with the better cabinet? As he was very interested that she would get what she wanted. I think watching couples buy kitchen cabinets help me later as a pastor doing marriage counseling.
And I say this to emphasize the height to reach in these situations. Where you find yourself leaning towards what the other wants, striving for unselfishness. Or because of our concern for the other to decide, let’s not do this. But we can see from the start here the interaction and dynamics of decision-making within the marriage relationship. Now we could talk about finances or many other things for a long time, but the key word here is trust, in other words, we have made a pact with someone else, and it must be always considered, because your relationship is not independent of each other. In other words, if you want independence, than do not get married.
Now this trust comes into play with a very important issue, and it is something which Anne and I will always talk about with couples in pre-marriage counseling. And that is the issue of trust when something is going wrong, where do I go? Here is a situation, something is bothering one of the two spouses, or there is a situation where both are struggling. Now this is not unusual, after all, you put two people together, and there are going to be things to work out. Especially when both people are sinners and both likely struggle with a “little bit” or a “whole bit” of selfishness and immaturity. This is why Ruth Graham said that “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” But my counsel to young couples is always this, and in this order:
- Work this out together
Talk this over with each other, try to find a solution together. This is the one you have joined yourself to, therefore this is the one you need to resolve this problem with. In other words, do not go outside of the trust between you. Or do not bring it up at the next family reunion to try to recruit some support for your side. Now if you find that this does not work, and together you cannot resolve your issue, understanding that it may be a very difficult issue, or if it is a case where it is one spouse who is struggling with something, and the other spouse cannot help them through it, in other words, they cannot work it out together or just do not know what to do:
- Go together to get help
If a husband or wife are willing to come together for help, there is a very good chance they will resolve their issue. A good indication of a couple being able to work through an issue together is something we have learned over the years from watching them as they tell you the problem. If we ask them, what is the struggle? And they look at each other almost like, you go first. What does that indicate in itself? It indicates that they trust each other, in other words, they are not forcing their own view, but very content to have the other person explain the issue. Actually, it is good in any situation where a spouse is waiting for the other to speak first. Where you ask them about something good or bad and they want to hear what their spouse will say, often it is an indication of a healthy relationship. I love asking a soon-to-be-married couple about how they were engaged? And they look to each other and often want the other to go first so they can hear how excited the other one was about the event. And it would be quite rare—at least in my experience of counseling—where a couple come together for help on an issue, and they are unable to work it out between them. But if they cannot, the next step must be done with caution:
- Go alone to someone only with permission
You talk about it and cannot resolve the issue. It may not even be an issue which you are divisive about, it just may mean you need help. Or it could be a sin issue that one is struggling with and therefore, there might be a time where you need to discuss this with someone else. Go together first, but if you still need help, go to someone which your spouse is okay to have you share the situation and information, but be very careful about doing this on your own, as it would mean breaking a trust. And this is important for the following reasons. The issue may be sensitive to your spouse; therefore, you should not share it with someone else, except with permission. I never worry what Anne says about me, and she never worries what I might say about her because we have a trust with each other.
But what I see as unfair for couples, example, the husband has a concern with his wife, he is struggling with something regarding their marriage. So, he talks to someone at church, thinking he is doing the right thing, and the result is the wife has to walk into that church wondering, who knows about our marriage issues? It could be the other way around. A wife may share things with other ladies, I have this real issue with my husband, and a husband may wonder what others may know about their relationship. It is not fair, and it breaks a trust. So, we must be very careful about this. And this is why my point is that we go talk to someone else only with permission, I would highly recommend one person. Now I realize that this counsel is what we might term “ideal” counsel, I would agree, but I would also warn to be very careful here and know that the “ideals” are what we need to strive for. So, if there is an issue, sin, disagreement, struggle of some sort, issue to get through. One, do it together. Two, get help together. Three, if it cannot be resolved, go outside, go talk to “someone” else with permission. But there is one more thing:
- Rarely go to family
And I say this kindly as when we are young and we have a problem; we might very innocently run to Mom and Dad. Typical example is a new bribe calling her Mom on the honeymoon. But if you have a marriage issue—and you wish to get help together—there may be a time when you go to family, be careful, as it is hard for family to be objective. And if you are going alone, my counsel would be to never go to family, as in my experience family will usually take a side, and then that other spouse must walk back into that family. A situation where a wife has a problem with her husband, so she goes to Mom or Dad, and guess what, they agree with her! Or a son goes to Mom, and she agrees with him! A Mom starts to think, she did that to my little boy. Or a Dad starts to think, he said that to my little girl. And a couple have this difficult situation to work out, and they resolve their issue, and the rest of family are still dealing with it. The Mom is still mad at her daughter-in-law, or the Dad is still mad at his son-in-law. Much better to have never gotten parents involved.
One situation a number of years ago where a husband, about thirty-five years old, called me greatly upset about his wife, and during the conversation he said something about his Mom. And I did a double take and said, how does your Mom know about this? And he said, I was just talking to her about it. That Mom—as far as I know—never resolved that issue with her daughter-in-law, though the husband did. But eventually they separated, and much of that was likely due to the breaking of trust with each other. This is why the Bible says that a man shall leave his Mom and Dad and cleave to his wife. Therefore, do not break that trust. Now this is not just the problem at the children end as I run into this constantly. “My daughter-in-law didn’t do this, when she should have. My son-in-law did this. And my first thought is, how do you know this? Well, someone has likely broken a trust somewhere along the way. Ask your Mom how to bake a pie, or ask your Dad how to fix the furnace, but be careful with indulging information about your relationship.
This is the advantage of having them see someone else, however. Example, if they met with Anne and me or another couple, as we have no side or favourite but can objectively cheer both on. So, one of the first things I will ask a spouse who comes to me with an issue about their marriage is, does your husband know you are her? Does your wife know you are here? Because that is a trust we do not want to break. And again, this does not mean that we do not go to someone for help, for as Christians, we should be able to go to others for help. And there might be a time when a daughter might ask her Mom, how can I do better in this area? Or a son asks his Dad, how can I do this better? But never go with a fault or complaint about your spouse or indulge anything that would break a trust in your relationship.
Now this brings us to another major need within a new family relationship and that is our relationship with our in-laws. There needs to be an acceptance of each others’ Mom and Dad. “The in-laws,” don’t use those terms. “Mother-in-law, mother-in-law. The worst person I know
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law. She worries me so. Mother-in-law, mother-in-law. If she’d leave us alone. We would have a happy home.” A fun old 60’s song, though I had a great mother-in-law. Listen, the two shall become one flesh. Therefore, her Mom and Dad, his Mom and Dad, in a sense become your Mom and Dad, and therefore, there is every reason to treat them with respect and love. So, this is something to cultivate, and something which can be difficult, because you may not receive the same acceptance back. But it doesn’t mean that from your end you cannot nurture that relationship as best you can. Sometimes it is difficult from the child side to express that closeness, especially when they first get married and there may be some awkwardness in what they call you, getting to know the new husband’s Mom, the new wife’s Dad.
I remember I got called by one of my daughters when she was on her honeymoon. And Anne and I, up until that point had been called by her, Anne and Mark. And when the phone rang, I said, hello, and on the other end I heard from her, hi Dad. Now she did not have to call me that. But the point is the nurturing of the relationship, that she thought of me as Dad because I was her husband’s Dad. Anne and I have been very careful to make sure our daughters—who married our sons—know they are every bit as special to us and loved as our sons are. Someone once said to me after me teaching this, that is impossible, after all, my own children grew up with me for twenty-plus years, therefore, I cannot love their spouse the same. But I did disagree with her because loving and caring is a choice. And if your son is going to marry this girl after only knowing them for say three years, you also can choose to love them dearly. I didn’t grow up with Anne for my first twenty-two, but I still liked her best. True, you may not know your children who married into your family as much, but you can love them the same if you set your heart upon them. See, because this honours the idea that who your children have married have now become one, now your son or daughter, therefore, you view them this way as this is the biblical view.
One more thing regarding this, parents of married children, to cultivate friendship and relationship with the other parents, speak highly of them, don’t criticize them, for they are your son and daughter’s parents. Our youngest son’s wife is Kelly, whose father passed away a few years before Marty and Kelly were married. Anne has made such a good friendship with Kelly’s Mom, so vital, because this is now Marty’s Mom. So, on all fronts, as best you can from your vantage point, strong healthy relationships. For this is not only good but it is also an example to your children to honour their spouses’ parents as well. There are two passages which come to mind here. One, is a command, the other is a good example. First the example:
“Her children rise up and bless her;
As for her husband, he also praises her, saying:
Many daughters have done excellently,
But you have gone above them all.”
Proverbs 31:28-29 (LSB)
Isn’t this great! Here we have a husband who is beaming about his wife and it is obviously contagious with his children. Men, do you want your kids to grow up loving Mom, respecting Mom, praising Mom, then you love her, respect her, praise her. The other passage (Eph 5:33) is a command that “the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” Here the wife is commanded to respect her husband. What a massive influence this is toward your children! Here again this is not about feelings, but this is about deciding, having the integrity to do what is right biblically. And that is in the context of your family, others, and especially your spouse. These two passages display in a marriage a trust, a pact, a covenant with each other. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Eph 5:31). A great desire for great relationships, demonstrating a great example to your children and grandkids. Knowing the great importance of a husband and wife working things out on their own. Anne and I do not give our kids any advice unless it is asked for. Honouring that a couple have left Mom and Dad.
Well, Christmas is around the corner, right? Which can bring some challenges to many young married couples. For they now have their twelve children, and they are required to be at his Mom’s on Christmas Eve in Tilbury for supper at 6pm. And at her Mom’s at 7am, the next morning in Henzel. And then at Aunt Winnie’s and Uncle Bruno’s in Brights Grove for supper the same day by 3pm. Anne and I have actually had couples come to us stressed over the holidays. Therefore, Anne and I have always been so laid-back at Christmas, as we remind our crew over-and-over again, you do what you want and we can just come to your place. Well, I also tell then that if they come separately, they will get more attention. But they do enjoy being together. But they all agree on a time and let us know when they are coming. I think they are coming Jan 3rd, in other words, whenever you show up, we will feed you and treat you. So, couples have to decide together what they are going to do for Christmas, considering to be gracious to Mom and Dad. And what they might buy in the new year. Where to go on holidays. What ministry they will do at church. And where you are going to go when you have struggles. Knowing that you have been joined—literally glued—to your spouse. That you have left Mom and Dad and have become one flesh.