The Biblical Meaning of Marriage
Christ and the Church – Session #1
Turn to Ephesians 5. There are a few reasons for these times when we speak about marriages: maybe to just encourage us in our marriages; but also, to address some significant issues that some may be dealing with in their marriage; or to help in the case of those who may be greatly struggling in a marriage; or to equip many of us that have input into marriages, as it is good to have a large body of people in the church who can speak into marriages well; or finally, to always be reminded of the truth about marriage when we hear differently from our culture. And I find that one of the greatest needs in marriages today is “hope,” as couples need to hear a hopeful message, and they also need to see a hopeful message. I find with much pre-marriage counselling is an overemphasis of the warnings of marriage with little emphasis on the joys of marriage. And as Christians a great emphasizes needs to be on our own spiritual maturity. Why? Because you cannot change your spouse. Wife, don’t try to change your husband. Husband, don’t try to change your wife. But you can grow in Christ yourself.
And before we get into our topic this morning, I wish to review some of the significant things we said the last time we addressed marriage exactly two years ago, that when a couple say “I do” to each other, this should instill in the couple hope and security. But there are also two enemies of a good marriage, selfishness and feelings. And selfishness and feelings are going to set themselves against hope and security. And we will likely struggle with selfishness our whole lives, and therefore, it is important that at least we understand this, as it is good to understand that when I am mad at my spouse, it is often just my own selfishness and feelings taking over. And to instill both hope and security in our relationship is part of the “I do” in being able to say to our spouse that no matter what, I will never leave you!
Another thing that instills hope and security is husband love. We often focus on the leadership of a husband—which is essential—but the greater focus in the Bible is on his love. The importance or source of the husband leading really should come from the great love a husband has within him for his wife. In other words, if a husband is not a leader it is likely more connected to his lack of love than it is to his leadership skillset. And the wife’s obedience in following must be sourced in her great devotion and respect towards her husband (Eph 5:33). In other words, if a wife is not following her husband, it is likely more to do with her lack of devotion and respect for him. As the Bible makes no qualms about a husband being commanded to love his wife, that he is to be understanding toward her. And that the wife is submissive to that headship, having a devoted love toward him, being gentle and having a quiet spirit. If I was to put it simply: husbands first an understanding love, and second a sacrificial leading; and then wives first a devoted following, and second a loving respect. and I would also suggest that these are two of the greatest needs of a husband, and that is a wife who is devoted to him and who respects him. And for the wife is a husband that dearly loves her and sacrificially leads and cares for her.
Now an issue that we will address at some time in the future is the great need to be forgiving in your marriage, because marriage is a union of two sinners, as will need to forbear with our spouse. You know those things that are not sin, but they are really annoying about your husband. That would not be unlike what we must do within a church family, that we cannot let annoying characteristics cause disunity, and of course, they are even more highlighted within a marriage relationship. I mean we at least get to go home from each other here at church, but you must live with your spouse. But then there is the issue of sin, which, as a church family, as in a marriage relationship we need to deal with, and we need to forgive. But this morning, I wish to address in the matter of marriage is in relation to Christ and the church. Here is our church statement on marriage:
MARRIAGE
We believe that God created man and woman as male and female. God instituted marriage between a man and woman as the foundation of the family and the basic structure of human society. For this reason, we believe that marriage is a life-long covenant and exclusively the union of one male and one female (Genesis 1:27; 2:24; Matthew 19:4-9; Romans 1:26-28; Ephesians 5:31).
“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”
Ephesians 5:22-33 (LSB)
Now there is a part of our statement that I do not need to spend much time on, and that is the fact that God created man and woman as male and female, and that marriage is the union of one male and one female. Now there may be those who would view this understanding as conservative or old-fashioned. Some may consider this to be judgemental or narrow-minded. Yet none of those criticisms properly describe our view here on marriage. As our view of marriage that we were created as either male or female, and that marriage is only between one male and one female is just simply this—biblical and is in keeping with God’s design that He has ordained, for He is the One who has designed marriage.
In other words, it is not our view, it is God’s truth about marriage. And it is certainly not judgemental, as it is God who has stated this truth. So, we are not the ones determining the standard here, we are not making our own judgement. And by-the-way our culture makes judgements all the time. And if we do not agree with the truth that God has already stated in His Word, then we are actually judging God. And to say that we are narrow-minded would be wrong as well, I would say we are more truth-minded or biblically minded. And to say that we are old-fashioned or conservative, I would say we are more eternal truth-fashioned and universal truth-fashioned, as these are truths that God has determined from the very beginning for all of mankind in regard to men and women and marriage. Now this does not mean that we are hateful towards those who disagree, for we deal with those who disagree with the Bible all the time. But this does not have to be a big issue for us, as we simply agree with what God has said, that is our answer, that marriage is between a man and a woman. And that union becomes a physical union in marriage only and not prior to the marriage. And that union is to be for life, as these are all truths that God—not man—has determined.
So, as we consider our statement, I wish to address issues from not experience and certainly not from a cultural viewpoint, but directly from the Bible during our time this morning. Now, the time after lunch, I will address an issue that I have seen from marriage counseling which can bring great difficulty to a marriage relationship. And it stems from an unwillingness to fully understand the act of leaving and the act of joining together. And that session, more than this morning, will address a number of practical issues.
But this morning we will consider Christ and the church, as we know that Christ is the Head, and His commitment to the church is forever, which is our security with Christ and should be our security within marriage. And I realize that the human marriage is a temporal relationship as there is no marriage in heaven, and that the marriage of the church with Christ is an eternal relationship. So, we do have to be careful about making too many comparisons, but there are a number of things we need to consider. And when we read that Christ will sustain the church until the end (1 Cor 1:8), and that Christ will keep the church from stumbling and to present the church blameless (Jude 24), and that—in our passage—Christ will sanctify the church; these all become responsibilities of the husband. That the husband would care and sustain the well-being of his wife until death, and that he is responsible for the spiritual well-being of his wife.
And this is important, as the husband becomes the censorship guy in the family or should become the censorship guy, in other words, the spiritual well-being of the home must be on his radar. Therefore, it is the husband’s and the Dad’s responsibility to be careful of what is watched, listened to, and allowed in the home, as in many homes it is the wife and mother who seems to take this role, and this is unfair.
And this reiterates for us the strong commitment of the husband towards his wife, that he will never let her go and that he will always protect her both physically and spiritually. I always tell Anne that no matter what came after her, raging storms, fierce lion, vicious tigers, great armies, I would protect her, or at least die trying. For this is the relationship between Christ and His church, therefore, it is the relationship between the husband and his wife. And our passage also addresses the fact that Christ gave Himself up for the church, because of His great love for the church. This emphasizes the sacrificial love of a husband for his wife, and the fact that the husband would care for his wife, for this is exactly the role of Christ towards the church. There is an interesting verse in Hebrews which speaks to this relationship of Christ and the church:
“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things like we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
Hebrews 4:15-16 (LSB)
Again, we cannot draw the comparisons too far, as husbands are not perfect, although there must be some who are really close here at Elim. But it does give us some insight to the husband’s role towards his wife. What kind of words describe this? Sympathetic towards weaknesses, that a husband is approachable, as in the passage—come with confidence. These are words that do not always describe us as husbands, sympathetic and approachable. So, husbands can’t be a bump on a log. Husbands can’t be an old grouch. So that the wife can come with confidence, when? in times of need. And that love—like Christ’s love—is freely given, as it is not earned. This is why a husband’s love for his wife is considered unbreakable.
And then in relation between the church and Christ, the wife towards her husband. That just as Christ is the Head of the church, so too, the husband is the head of the wife. And just as it is the responsibility of the church is to follow Christ, so too, the responsibility of the wife is to follow that leadership of her husband. And this is why I like the words love and devotion, as the emphasis is on the love to lead well and the emphasis on the devotion to follow well. In the wedding ceremony I have written these words when a couple exchange their rings, where the husband says this, “May this ring seal my love to you.” And the wife says, “May this ring seal my devotion to you.” Yes, there is a mutual love and commitment in a marriage, but it is expressed in the Bible in different ways for the husband and the wife, as this is manifested in the humbleness of the church toward Christ, and this is manifested by the wife as having a gentle and quiet spirit. And it is interesting that when we speak about the wife and mother’s role of caring first for the home, we see a very similar role given to the church toward its people, as Paul tells the Galatian Christians (Gal 6:10) to “do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.” Or to specially make sure everyone at home is cared for.
And then there is the need for forgiveness within the home and forbearance. And I have said that we need to do a whole session some time on forgiveness, but for a moment to consider Christ’s relationship with the church regarding forbearance and forgiveness. What kind of words might we use? complete forgiveness and full forgiveness. And the example given to us as husband’s is overwhelming, as there is nothing in which the Lord would not forgive for those who are His. Psalm 103:11-12, “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Ephesians 1:7, “the forgiveness of our transgressions, according to the riches of His grace.” Jeremiah 31:34, “for I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” There is so much to be said about this when we deal with forgiveness at another time, but that phrase, remember no more is vital in all our forgiveness, whether in marriage or not. Matthew 18:21-22, “‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’” Colossians 3:18, “forgive as the Lord forgave you.” And finally, Ephesians 4:31-32:
“Let all bitterness and anger and wrath and shouting and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Instead, be kind to one another, tender-hearted, graciously forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has graciously forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:31-32 (LSB)
Listen to the words of John MacArthur considering a husband toward his wife, but we could also say a wife toward her husband:
“When a husband sees faults and failures in his wife, he should realize that she has not offended him to a fraction of the degree to which he has offended God. God has immeasurably more for which to forgive us than we could ever have for which to forgive others.”
John MacArthur, The MacArthur NT Commentary: Ephesians 303
I guess the question comes down to, what would Jesus do for His bride? And the response should guide, what would I do for my wife? And the question, what would the church do for Christ? And the response should guide, what would I do for my husband? John Piper said:
“Let the measure of God’s grace to you in the cross of Christ be the measure of your grace to your spouse.”
John Piper, This Momentary Marriage 46
Over the years I have had much opportunity to meet with couples. Much of that is pre-marriage counseling. as Anne and I have sat down with couples and tried to make plain to them some of the things that they will face in the coming days. And they come from all different backgrounds. Some have come from good Christian homes where Mom and Dads have generally related very well. As both Mom and Dad have desired to grow spiritually, they have committed to ministry, and their children—that we are now meeting with—have benefitted from that. As they have not only experienced a good marriage at home, but they have also seen other good marriages within the church. Yet there are other Christian homes where Mom and Dad have sorted of existed, either through many times of cold quietness or many times of heated anger and yelling. And then other Christian homes where Mom and Dad have been something in-between.
And sometimes we will sit down with a couple soon-to-be-married and start to explain about husband love and leadership, and wife devotion and following. And the couple is just eating it up, as they very much desire to have that kind of biblical relationship. Sometimes we will sit down with a couple, and they will somewhat be shocked at the instruction of the Bible. This happens a lot when we counsel with couples who have had little church background or have not really seen a biblical example at home. I have married some couples over the years who are not believers, as I would marry a believer to another believer, or an unbeliever to an unbeliever. So, sometimes we are dealing with two people who have almost zero knowledge of the Bible. The key is that before marrying a couple I tell them we will have four sessions, and it will be centred on the teaching of the Bible.
Most of these have been quite positive even with unbelievers, as the world’s perception of the husband being the king of his castle or the wife being the servant is so far off what the Bible teaches. As most outside of church have never heard anything like the commitment of a husband to love his wife. And for a wife to be devoted to her husband for a lifetime. And to their defense they may have not really experienced it at home. But in this regard, we do realize that as Christians we have such a treasure. That as many in the world do desire to have good marriages. Yet they do not know of the biblical ideal, in other words, they do not know Ephesians 5, as we actually hold in our hands the perfect marriage manual.
And then Anne and I have also met with couples who are now married couples, and who are maybe just struggling in a particular part of their marriage, and they need some advice on something, or they are just going through a bit of a rougher time and therefore they need some encouragement. As sometimes we can forget that simply following the biblical truth in marriage can and will bring hope to any couple who is willing to follow its principles. Do not ever think that your marriage is somehow permitted to run outside of biblical principles, in other words, not in line with Paul’s teaching. I have met with couples with a problem, and I have tried to emphasize the biblical ideal of leadership and following, and you get the idea from both the husband and wife, well, we do not really run our marriage that way, we just need help resolving this issue. In other words, we have just gotten use to the wife leading or the husband just going along, as we may sort of laugh at our unique marriage arrangement which we are okay with. But understand that God is not “okay with that,” and that understanding is no more biblical than the world’s crazy definitions about marriage. Whether you have been married for two years or sixty-two years, you are never beyond biblical guidelines in your relationship. And to run your marriage outside of Ephesians 5 not only dishonours Christ but is also a terrible example to your family, to the church, and to the world.
There are also times when we might meet with a very sad husband or a very sad wife. Things that we are going to talk about after lunch, where one has gone astray and there is much heartache and sadness. And the challenge there is to give encouragement, and to motivate the hurting to deepen their faith and trust in Christ even through such a difficult time. And then there are times when we have met with couples who are very angry at each other. I remember sitting in my office at a past church where a husband and wife literally were screaming at each other, and you realize that unless the Spirit of God gets a hold of them, there is no hope. And I suppose that much of the way in which we act as husbands and wives comes to us from what we have learned growing up. Sometimes I see my Dad in myself, and yet other times, I so wish I was more like my Dad. But the more I work with couples and teach about marriage, there are two things that I believe are the most basic keys in doing well as a couple and they are these:
- The greatest impact I can have on my marriage is my own spiritual growth.
In other words, the more I become like Christ, the better husband I will be. Now, that is such a simple and obvious statement, but it is also one of the most ignored statements when a spouse is angry about something, or when a spouse feels dissatisfied with his or her marriage. I think that any home would do better if it was filled with better people, Christ-like people, filled with His Spirit people. And that must begin with us, a humbleness before God, and a willingness to follow biblical truth. Which flows to the second thing:
- The greatest source of wisdom for marriage is the Bible.
Now this does not mean that we would not speak to someone that we may look up to as a couple if they are following godly principles, but the Bible is God’s guide for living well both in this life and the next. What the Bible does not do as some secular marriage counselors may do is give a lot of empty or false promises in this life. But the Bible also does not urge you to give up as secular counseling often does. As some may live with a spouse who will never be a good spouse, but the Bible teaches us how to be a blessing despite that. For a life that honours God and His Word brings great satisfaction, whether it materializes with what we might consider a great marriage. I think that when we might consider someone wise in the area of marriage, it should be someone that is biblical in his marriage views, and someone that strives to live out that same biblical wisdom. Dale Johnson wrote:
“God’s plan was that Christ, slain before the foundation of the world, would be wed to those who believe. God, therefore, designed marriage to illustrate the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ. A proper theology of marriage and family must not neglect the purpose of gospel revelation as it pertains to marriage. Any tinkering with the temporal institution that was to portray the gospel of God is to tinker with our view of that gospel…Marriage is forever tethered to the consummated truth the union was intended to portray.”
Dale Johnson, “Marriage: A Portrait of the Gospel from the Beginning” 31
What Johnson is highlighting here is that the marriage of Christ and the church is the standard, not the other-way-around. In other words, the earthly marriage does give us the understanding of Christ’s relationship with the church; but Christ’s relationship with the church gives to us the understanding of the earthly relationship. This is why we cannot tamper with it or just do what works for us. The truth taught in the Bible is that the true marriage is Christ and His church, for this is the perfect example and is the eternal relationship. Therefore, our relationship as husbands and wives is the relationship that is to mirror that relationship, and in that relationship, there is the perfect Husband. And yet the bride—the church—is not yet perfected but is still being sanctified. But in our earthly marriages, there is neither a perfect husband or perfect wife, yet the responsibilities do not change.
I suppose in eternity, we as husbands will be asked about the love we showed our wives, about our leadership that we provided, how we strived to give her every opportunity to grow and thrive spiritually. And I suppose in eternity, wives will be asked about their willingness to follow, respect, and be devoted to their husbands. Sometimes when we get married our focus is so much on the fact that we have someone that we are so “in love” with, but often because they make us happy and they satisfy us. But real love is evidenced and proven over time when we see the greater depth of that love being obedient to the responsibilities we have been given by God. And that is to mirror the ultimate marriage of Christ and His church. In other words, if we are married, the model is not optional.
Something that I shared with you during our last marriage seminar, but I wish to share it with you again in both Ephesians and Colossians, the Apostle Paul is giving counsel of how to live with people. As in both passages he addresses husbands, wives, parents, children, and work relationships. Let’s look at the one in Colossians 3:
“So, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and graciously forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord graciously forgave you, so also should you. Above all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body, and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with gratefulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”
Colossians 3:12-17 (LSB)
A very challenging message from the Apostle Paul, as we go back where I started—the betterment of our marriages is the deepening of my own spiritual growth. Paul Tripp wrote:
“It is really true—a marriage of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in romance. It is rooted in worship. It is when we love God more than we love ourselves and when we quit building our own little kingdoms and start seeking His that we will love our spouse. When we really do love our husband or wife, we will be willing to do the hard work that such love requires.”
Paul David Tripp, Marriage 321
Let’s pray. Lord, we praise You for the great love of Christ for His church, that Christ is the Head and Shepherd of His sheep. We would also pray that You might help us as a church to be devoted to the Shepherd, that we would follow His leadership. And we also pray that as married couples, that You would enable us to mirror that same relationship in our earthly marriages. Grant to us the ability to grow and deepen our relationship with Christ, that in our marriage responsibilities we might here from Christ someday, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” And all God people said, amen.